Life in 4D: memoirs of the heart

How could a humble little kitten feel rage like that of the king of the jungle?

Love is most unfortunate irony in the Homo sapiens’ colony. It can make you feel closest to heaven or be burning in the pits of hell. It can be your inspiration or destruction, your smile or your tears, your life or death, or either your salvation or your own damnation.

                To love is being vulnerable, to be blind, to be selfless, to be divine; but there’s one thing in common and most people are not oblivious to it; it’s a choice.

                They might say “it” just happens. Yes, the emotions are uncontrollable, they’re involuntarily felt by every nerve tingling on your body and every beating of that puny little heart; but it’s our choice to do something about it. It’s our option to pursue our instincts, to open ourselves to someone, to be there whenever they might or might not need you, to give our best in every attempt of making them happy and so in the first place, it’s our choice to get hurt.

                I did love for the first time and it was beautiful but it ended even before I said “yes”. I’ll spare you with the superficial details since it would all sum up to that statement:”please avoid me”, sent 1:38 am. I would’ve begged, i would’ve knelt, I would’ve asked for you not now, not like this and not yet but you just threw me out of your life like I was a piece that would never fit in your puzzle game you called life.

                I’m the kind of girl who gets bullied a lot not because I was so pathetic and ugly but because i don’t fight back and i never hold grudges. I was kinda proud of being one and i thought it was one of the solid things that comprises the whole me but i was so wrong.

                There’s this little kitty, purring and lying low but was stomped and thrown out of the house to get lost and for one moment, she thought she could never be found. But for some apparent reason and divine intervention, a day passed and she mourned and mourned and stopped. The next few days were hard but bearable and as the week progressed, so is she but every time she remembers what happened, she turns into a fierce lioness. Life dawned on me when i realized my plans came crushing down like boulders turns to sand and then washed away by the sea. The pain was too deep to fathom by the minds of a folk like me.

                Summing up all the profanities i said on that week would surely outnumber all the profanities i said all my life. It was one way of releasing the hate and pain and it was sure damn effective. These past few weeks were not just moving on phase but also a getting-to-know stage for me and myself. I’ve discovered a lot of things im capable and i’m not. I never thought i could hold a grudge this long even though it would still be approaching its 2nd week. On the record, this is the longest ever since.

                Heartbreak is not always pain and anger but also self discovery and maybe that’s how i survive everyday; by looking on the positive side of what sort to be a really ugly pool of emotions. Also, I realized it’s normal to feel pain and let yourself feel it for a while but never bask too long than necessary. But regardless of the pain his egotistic cold knife sliced through me, i would not wish for him to feel it; not now, not to him and not because of me and the best revenge is be happy.


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