Life in 4D: memoirs of the heart

How could a humble little kitten feel rage like that of the king of the jungle?

Love is most unfortunate irony in the Homo sapiens’ colony. It can make you feel closest to heaven or be burning in the pits of hell. It can be your inspiration or destruction, your smile or your tears, your life or death, or either your salvation or your own damnation.

                To love is being vulnerable, to be blind, to be selfless, to be divine; but there’s one thing in common and most people are not oblivious to it; it’s a choice.

                They might say “it” just happens. Yes, the emotions are uncontrollable, they’re involuntarily felt by every nerve tingling on your body and every beating of that puny little heart; but it’s our choice to do something about it. It’s our option to pursue our instincts, to open ourselves to someone, to be there whenever they might or might not need you, to give our best in every attempt of making them happy and so in the first place, it’s our choice to get hurt.

                I did love for the first time and it was beautiful but it ended even before I said “yes”. I’ll spare you with the superficial details since it would all sum up to that statement:”please avoid me”, sent 1:38 am. I would’ve begged, i would’ve knelt, I would’ve asked for you not now, not like this and not yet but you just threw me out of your life like I was a piece that would never fit in your puzzle game you called life.

                I’m the kind of girl who gets bullied a lot not because I was so pathetic and ugly but because i don’t fight back and i never hold grudges. I was kinda proud of being one and i thought it was one of the solid things that comprises the whole me but i was so wrong.

                There’s this little kitty, purring and lying low but was stomped and thrown out of the house to get lost and for one moment, she thought she could never be found. But for some apparent reason and divine intervention, a day passed and she mourned and mourned and stopped. The next few days were hard but bearable and as the week progressed, so is she but every time she remembers what happened, she turns into a fierce lioness. Life dawned on me when i realized my plans came crushing down like boulders turns to sand and then washed away by the sea. The pain was too deep to fathom by the minds of a folk like me.

                Summing up all the profanities i said on that week would surely outnumber all the profanities i said all my life. It was one way of releasing the hate and pain and it was sure damn effective. These past few weeks were not just moving on phase but also a getting-to-know stage for me and myself. I’ve discovered a lot of things im capable and i’m not. I never thought i could hold a grudge this long even though it would still be approaching its 2nd week. On the record, this is the longest ever since.

                Heartbreak is not always pain and anger but also self discovery and maybe that’s how i survive everyday; by looking on the positive side of what sort to be a really ugly pool of emotions. Also, I realized it’s normal to feel pain and let yourself feel it for a while but never bask too long than necessary. But regardless of the pain his egotistic cold knife sliced through me, i would not wish for him to feel it; not now, not to him and not because of me and the best revenge is be happy.

Being Iska Part 1: Freshie days

So before the school starts, before the hustle and bustle of another semester, before all the upcoming panic attacks and desperation, let’s walk down the memory lane, shall we?

                There was this girl, 4’10’’ tall, little miss goody-two-shoes, shy, ready to take over her new life but unconsciously naive with what she really was in. The first 3-4 weeks were exciting, liberating and of course, exhausting. When i recall those times, one word would just pop in my mind; longing. She would count hours, days and weeks just to get by and those late night phone calls from home keeps her alive.

She conditioned herself to be a studious student and spent 5-6 hours solving a 3-page factoring problems. Life was easy; it was bearable but uncanny for her for she was never like this in the first place; but the weirdest of them all? She liked it.

Days and weeks went, people became acquaintances and acquaintances became friends. She then realized an overwhelming feeling that friendship can be eternal and she’s on the receiving end at the moment. Whatever may happen in the future, this people who might fail or succeed will be part of her life and vice versa. The thought was exhilarating and awesome.

But of all the meet-ups and introductions, a guy caught her attention. Given her new life, a prototype identity and innocence, who would say no to this kind of opportunity? They became friends, and with some applied force and pressure, they became a couple. He was her first and the feeling was foreign; first love and first heartbreak, dignity intact.

 The days come and go. There are mornings that are as bright as the smiling sun that gives inspiration out from nowhere while there are times that as I open my eyes, a heavy feeling right deep inside my heart makes me scared to face the day, thinking as to what may happen or everything could probably go wrong. I would just pray at night that the latter wouldn’t visit me on the day after and the cycle goes on.

The grades were good on the first semester but it tilted a little on the second, maybe because of the guilt that was eating me on my first relationship and also maybe my subjects were really that hard. On the second phase, I spent most hours to myself with no idea what to do except study. I realized I should never be left alone for my mind is active and confusing as ever. Talking to myself was a daily routine and to keep my mind of things was an effortful attempt to forget the negative things in my life. Maybe at that time, I got a glimpse of an early life crisis and maybe also an identity crisis. I was getting tired of the setup but the thought of failing grades were much more horrifying than anything else so I kept moving forward.

The girl that was once shy and intimidated became me. She became confident and knows what she wants. I might not state all the details that led me through what i am right now; not just because of the booze, the heartbreak, the failures, the doubts and the pressure, there were a lot of factors affected me through this one-year process. But one thing’s for sure, this is a better me. I may be capable of a more daring and dangerous things, I’m also capable of doing good and exciting things. I was born a control-freak and it does get on the way but so far, it did me good regardless of the disappointments and frustration every now and then but all in all, I will look back on that year with a smile.

Being an ISKA was really a new experience. Not just because life was there, opportunities was there, social life was on its happy hour but the learning can’t be compared to any other. Being iska doesn’t just involve your mental ability but also your holistic being. It teaches you life with its beauty and at the same time, its pain. 

In Between the Lines (SONA 2014)

“The Filipino is worth fighting for” – PNoy

Today, President Aquino delivered his 5th State of the Nation Address in Batasang Pambansa. It was claimed to be an emotional speech for a formal event and of course, praised and bashed by the Filipino people both in social media and for the live version, in Commonwealth.

His speech appeared to be a “showcase” of his achievements with a side of poetry garnished with tears. Some of his claims were cleverly supported by overwhelming and quite deceiving infographics accompanied with “Billion” in bold letters. What initially caught my attention was the large sum of money he claimed to be the new budget for certain sectors and programs. It gives me goosebumps imagining those cash accessible to the public and “ready” to use. Also, documentaries of people who experienced his help first hand contributed to the pool of emotions in batasang pambansa.

But in fairness to President Aquino, I must admit that he did a good job in some way. That 40B debt from FPGMA regime was paid off in his term and also the fast rehabilitation of the victims of Bagyong Yolanda (Typhoon Haiyan). The improvement on infrastructure can be perceived by most of the urbanized places and the fast process of papers is helpful to avoid “under the table” negotiations on the agencies of the government. This shows that the PNoy is aware of the sources of corruption and is doing something about it. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not against Pnoy’s governance. In fact, I still trust his plans for the country but there’s still lacking.

In his speech alone there were a LOT of points missing and as a student at a state university; I want to hear the reports on subsidies. Multifarious complains were received by the UP administration on the Socialized Tuition System and most scholars demand justice on their education.   Also, I was aware of the promising Malampaya project that could self-sustain the country’s oil and fuel needs but also recently, issues arose on corruption within the said project. It’s obvious that the president avoided discussing topics that are “going through a rough time”. The things mentioned above plus the DAP and PDAF scam are the most noisy issues in the Philippine TV for this year but he didn’t dwell in it…obviously.

I also don’t get the unnecessary emphasis on the security sector. Yes, modernization is important but I believe that no one is that much of a threat to our country. In fact, we ourselves are the most dangerous hazard instead of foreign attacks but this is just my opinion. I guess PNoy has his agenda on that one and we may never know.

To be honest, when it comes to other issues on “importing” and unaccomplished promises, we still cannot solely blame the president. He’s just one of the governing people in the country and as Filipinos, we must admit our individual faults. I believe that 50 percent or more of the population didn’t even bother to hear the president’s side and some doesn’t even know what’s going on in the country. There were a lot of good points on this year’s SONA but as always, people tend to find the faults rather than the beauty. It’s like having a clean glass of water but a drop of ink will stain it forever.

The BlogIt List 2014

blogitlist

This may be a little too late to start with since it’s already July but since everything in my life halted and changed tracks, it would be appropriate to jumpstart myself too.
A calendar shift, being recently “available”, an incoming sophomore at UPLB and a girl who will soon turn 18; here’s my BlogIt List 2014 (In non-chronological order).

•Write a conspiracy theory
Either science or philosophical, i also encourage other bloggers to do this

•My first “genuine” heartbreak
Whooo! Finally, I have something to say about this now haha

• Life of an Iska Part 1
A review of my freshie life and all the ups and downs of those two amazing semesters

•Travel Posts
I will forever be a vagabond at heart and new places entice me.

•Foodie Posts
Everybody’s a foodie, right?

•Musings
Let those literary juices ooze out of our minds.

•Make another Stop motion Video
I made my first one and it was so cool so i hope i could find time to make another again

•Start of another Semester
Because of the calendar shift, my semester is still yet to come.

•Instagram Song
For the love of God, where will I ever find an egg’s Benedict, side of ham? Well one of my teachers challenged us to complete the list of this song on our instagram accounts within this year and i haven’t even started yet! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn-dD-QKYN4

•Friends Appreciation Day
This one should be easy.

•The 4-month staycation (PhotoBlog)
Before I’ll go back to Laguna, I should be done with this… i hope

•The Apartment life
Another foreign chapter to my life this year, i hope it would turn out well.

•Hellweek Madness
What’s being an Iska without a massive nerve-racking hellweek?

•Sports Appreciation Day
PE Time!

•Movie Reviews
I’ve stocked, reformatted and restocked my Drive D with movies and 90% of them were downloaded and watched. Booyah!

•Future Plans (The Engineer’s Bucket List)
I’m always the dreamer/perfectionist/ambitious/the girl on fire when it comes to plans.

•Tips for UPCAT
I’ll be happy to give helpful and real-life advices to our soon-to-be ISKOLAR NG BAYAN PARA SA BAYAN.

•Why i started blogging
Throooowback

Challenge of the year: Satirical Post
As a writer, the literary and technical content of this post would be easy BUT as a person who lacks humor, this would be the end of me (well at least I got a year to finish all of these).

 

PS: If i finish this two weeks ahead of time, I’m gonna treat myself! 🙂

Day Three

It has been three days. I don’t want to linger with the details about why or how it happened, it just did or in other words, shit happens.
Surprisingly, I feel fine today, I feel a LOT better than the past two days. What I’m worried about is if what i feel is real and not fooling myself again. It’s impossible to move on within less than 72 hours of break-up even though the relationship was just a joke. I already accepted the fact that 99% of the outcome will be an ended relationship but since we haven’t talked yet, anything can happen.
I also accepted that I’m unstable even though every time i look in the mirror i look fine. These past three days seems to be forever and every hour is a challenge as to what i feel, what i should do, what i should think and how i should act. At first, the thought of smiling is so painful but as every hour passes by, I tend to ask myself things hence knowing myself more.
When it comes to how painful it was, i would never even pray for my worst enemy to feel such pain. It was THAT painful. I’m surprised on how matured i took it, how i was telling myself that it would be gone after some time even though it’s impossible to even speak of it. I was telling myself to cry it all out even though im the kind of person who just burst into tears for a few seconds and forget why i cried. I’m even jealous of people who could cry for hours and hours without stopping because I have never done that. I hate and love the fact that i cannot bottle up pain and anger for a long time, it’s a God-given gift if not a curse. But somehow today i still find myself throwing profanities at the open air because of my anger, anger on how the hell he could do that to someone who gave all she could despite of the distance and his past.
But this is not about him, this is about how i’ll cope with the future ahead of me. I realized in this short matter of time, I’m capable of having intense panic attacks and found myself googling instant remedies on it. I also realized my fear of uncertainties. I was a natural control freak and to see all of my plans crumble in front of me, it’s just fuckin’ scary. It was also my first time to openly admit to myself that i was so damn scared of my future. It was so unplanned, so foreign, so vague that it overwhelms me. The only thought that relaxed me that time was the quote “If you’re not scared of your dreams, they’re not big enough” .
Another hard part on this “moving on” phase is to figuring out what to do when you have spent that past couple of months thinking of him whether in your free time or busy schedules. Also, not having someone to talk to about your day or any special things you did because now even thinking of him is inappropriate to do.
This would take a while so i’ll prepare myself for the possible breakdowns in the future but i guess I’ll just have to call my friends when those times come because so far, they have been the greatest help and it makes me cry about it than cry about what happened to me.
This may all seems so in denial, even i doubt myself what my real intentions and feelings are, but as most people say, let it all out. It’s hard to even doubt your emotions because nothing seems real anymore, i don’t want to be fooling myself again and it sucks if i’ll do that unconsciously to myself because i know i can.
But for now, on this day, no breakdowns, i was never tempted to call or txt or pm, I laughed, I can smile, I can do chores, I’m quite agitated, i find talking to myself a great help and I’m not that interested about his side yet.
Good luck for me! 

PS: I still don’t get the “break-up + ice cream” tandem though, how could people eat? I’m not even interested on food much more ice cream lol

Note to self

You hate yourself for being the person you don’t want to be and there’s no helping it.
Yes you could control yourself but the stuff around you are not oblivious as to what you have become.
You’re like a light switch so easily to switch on and off but unfortunately, most of the time you’re neglected and left hanging.
You never were the clingy type and had not been planning to be but what the hell is this shit?
For now, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and learn to control it for the long haul.
You’ve been keeping yourself from it for years and now is the time to stretch and test your limits.
And don’t forget to remind yourself why you’re here in the first place so you’ll know where to start pushing forward… again.