Day Three

It has been three days. I don’t want to linger with the details about why or how it happened, it just did or in other words, shit happens.
Surprisingly, I feel fine today, I feel a LOT better than the past two days. What I’m worried about is if what i feel is real and not fooling myself again. It’s impossible to move on within less than 72 hours of break-up even though the relationship was just a joke. I already accepted the fact that 99% of the outcome will be an ended relationship but since we haven’t talked yet, anything can happen.
I also accepted that I’m unstable even though every time i look in the mirror i look fine. These past three days seems to be forever and every hour is a challenge as to what i feel, what i should do, what i should think and how i should act. At first, the thought of smiling is so painful but as every hour passes by, I tend to ask myself things hence knowing myself more.
When it comes to how painful it was, i would never even pray for my worst enemy to feel such pain. It was THAT painful. I’m surprised on how matured i took it, how i was telling myself that it would be gone after some time even though it’s impossible to even speak of it. I was telling myself to cry it all out even though im the kind of person who just burst into tears for a few seconds and forget why i cried. I’m even jealous of people who could cry for hours and hours without stopping because I have never done that. I hate and love the fact that i cannot bottle up pain and anger for a long time, it’s a God-given gift if not a curse. But somehow today i still find myself throwing profanities at the open air because of my anger, anger on how the hell he could do that to someone who gave all she could despite of the distance and his past.
But this is not about him, this is about how i’ll cope with the future ahead of me. I realized in this short matter of time, I’m capable of having intense panic attacks and found myself googling instant remedies on it. I also realized my fear of uncertainties. I was a natural control freak and to see all of my plans crumble in front of me, it’s just fuckin’ scary. It was also my first time to openly admit to myself that i was so damn scared of my future. It was so unplanned, so foreign, so vague that it overwhelms me. The only thought that relaxed me that time was the quote “If you’re not scared of your dreams, they’re not big enough” .
Another hard part on this “moving on” phase is to figuring out what to do when you have spent that past couple of months thinking of him whether in your free time or busy schedules. Also, not having someone to talk to about your day or any special things you did because now even thinking of him is inappropriate to do.
This would take a while so i’ll prepare myself for the possible breakdowns in the future but i guess I’ll just have to call my friends when those times come because so far, they have been the greatest help and it makes me cry about it than cry about what happened to me.
This may all seems so in denial, even i doubt myself what my real intentions and feelings are, but as most people say, let it all out. It’s hard to even doubt your emotions because nothing seems real anymore, i don’t want to be fooling myself again and it sucks if i’ll do that unconsciously to myself because i know i can.
But for now, on this day, no breakdowns, i was never tempted to call or txt or pm, I laughed, I can smile, I can do chores, I’m quite agitated, i find talking to myself a great help and I’m not that interested about his side yet.
Good luck for me! 

PS: I still don’t get the “break-up + ice cream” tandem though, how could people eat? I’m not even interested on food much more ice cream lol


Note to self

You hate yourself for being the person you don’t want to be and there’s no helping it.
Yes you could control yourself but the stuff around you are not oblivious as to what you have become.
You’re like a light switch so easily to switch on and off but unfortunately, most of the time you’re neglected and left hanging.
You never were the clingy type and had not been planning to be but what the hell is this shit?
For now, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and learn to control it for the long haul.
You’ve been keeping yourself from it for years and now is the time to stretch and test your limits.
And don’t forget to remind yourself why you’re here in the first place so you’ll know where to start pushing forward… again.