Life in 4D: memoirs of the heart

How could a humble little kitten feel rage like that of the king of the jungle?

Love is most unfortunate irony in the Homo sapiens’ colony. It can make you feel closest to heaven or be burning in the pits of hell. It can be your inspiration or destruction, your smile or your tears, your life or death, or either your salvation or your own damnation.

                To love is being vulnerable, to be blind, to be selfless, to be divine; but there’s one thing in common and most people are not oblivious to it; it’s a choice.

                They might say “it” just happens. Yes, the emotions are uncontrollable, they’re involuntarily felt by every nerve tingling on your body and every beating of that puny little heart; but it’s our choice to do something about it. It’s our option to pursue our instincts, to open ourselves to someone, to be there whenever they might or might not need you, to give our best in every attempt of making them happy and so in the first place, it’s our choice to get hurt.

                I did love for the first time and it was beautiful but it ended even before I said “yes”. I’ll spare you with the superficial details since it would all sum up to that statement:”please avoid me”, sent 1:38 am. I would’ve begged, i would’ve knelt, I would’ve asked for you not now, not like this and not yet but you just threw me out of your life like I was a piece that would never fit in your puzzle game you called life.

                I’m the kind of girl who gets bullied a lot not because I was so pathetic and ugly but because i don’t fight back and i never hold grudges. I was kinda proud of being one and i thought it was one of the solid things that comprises the whole me but i was so wrong.

                There’s this little kitty, purring and lying low but was stomped and thrown out of the house to get lost and for one moment, she thought she could never be found. But for some apparent reason and divine intervention, a day passed and she mourned and mourned and stopped. The next few days were hard but bearable and as the week progressed, so is she but every time she remembers what happened, she turns into a fierce lioness. Life dawned on me when i realized my plans came crushing down like boulders turns to sand and then washed away by the sea. The pain was too deep to fathom by the minds of a folk like me.

                Summing up all the profanities i said on that week would surely outnumber all the profanities i said all my life. It was one way of releasing the hate and pain and it was sure damn effective. These past few weeks were not just moving on phase but also a getting-to-know stage for me and myself. I’ve discovered a lot of things im capable and i’m not. I never thought i could hold a grudge this long even though it would still be approaching its 2nd week. On the record, this is the longest ever since.

                Heartbreak is not always pain and anger but also self discovery and maybe that’s how i survive everyday; by looking on the positive side of what sort to be a really ugly pool of emotions. Also, I realized it’s normal to feel pain and let yourself feel it for a while but never bask too long than necessary. But regardless of the pain his egotistic cold knife sliced through me, i would not wish for him to feel it; not now, not to him and not because of me and the best revenge is be happy.

Advertisements

Day Three

It has been three days. I don’t want to linger with the details about why or how it happened, it just did or in other words, shit happens.
Surprisingly, I feel fine today, I feel a LOT better than the past two days. What I’m worried about is if what i feel is real and not fooling myself again. It’s impossible to move on within less than 72 hours of break-up even though the relationship was just a joke. I already accepted the fact that 99% of the outcome will be an ended relationship but since we haven’t talked yet, anything can happen.
I also accepted that I’m unstable even though every time i look in the mirror i look fine. These past three days seems to be forever and every hour is a challenge as to what i feel, what i should do, what i should think and how i should act. At first, the thought of smiling is so painful but as every hour passes by, I tend to ask myself things hence knowing myself more.
When it comes to how painful it was, i would never even pray for my worst enemy to feel such pain. It was THAT painful. I’m surprised on how matured i took it, how i was telling myself that it would be gone after some time even though it’s impossible to even speak of it. I was telling myself to cry it all out even though im the kind of person who just burst into tears for a few seconds and forget why i cried. I’m even jealous of people who could cry for hours and hours without stopping because I have never done that. I hate and love the fact that i cannot bottle up pain and anger for a long time, it’s a God-given gift if not a curse. But somehow today i still find myself throwing profanities at the open air because of my anger, anger on how the hell he could do that to someone who gave all she could despite of the distance and his past.
But this is not about him, this is about how i’ll cope with the future ahead of me. I realized in this short matter of time, I’m capable of having intense panic attacks and found myself googling instant remedies on it. I also realized my fear of uncertainties. I was a natural control freak and to see all of my plans crumble in front of me, it’s just fuckin’ scary. It was also my first time to openly admit to myself that i was so damn scared of my future. It was so unplanned, so foreign, so vague that it overwhelms me. The only thought that relaxed me that time was the quote “If you’re not scared of your dreams, they’re not big enough” .
Another hard part on this “moving on” phase is to figuring out what to do when you have spent that past couple of months thinking of him whether in your free time or busy schedules. Also, not having someone to talk to about your day or any special things you did because now even thinking of him is inappropriate to do.
This would take a while so i’ll prepare myself for the possible breakdowns in the future but i guess I’ll just have to call my friends when those times come because so far, they have been the greatest help and it makes me cry about it than cry about what happened to me.
This may all seems so in denial, even i doubt myself what my real intentions and feelings are, but as most people say, let it all out. It’s hard to even doubt your emotions because nothing seems real anymore, i don’t want to be fooling myself again and it sucks if i’ll do that unconsciously to myself because i know i can.
But for now, on this day, no breakdowns, i was never tempted to call or txt or pm, I laughed, I can smile, I can do chores, I’m quite agitated, i find talking to myself a great help and I’m not that interested about his side yet.
Good luck for me! 

PS: I still don’t get the “break-up + ice cream” tandem though, how could people eat? I’m not even interested on food much more ice cream lol

Crisis

I’ve proven myself to be worthy of the crown of patience, resistance and faith. I excluded myself to their so-called “love circle” which is famous in this generation. I might have looks that earn enough attention for the past few years but never a second glance. It was a choice I made and it was one thing I’ll never regret until today.

I always dream of something so magical, so perfect, so beautiful, and so fictional. It was my idea of love, a fairy tale in midst of a bustling city with a man with sincere eyes and a killer smile. I’ve already mapped out my future even to the smallest detail but it tends to go to a very different direction.

Ilang taon kong pinigilan ang sarili ko. Ayokong masira ang NBSB record ko, takot ako, nagsasawa ako, naiinip ako, at higit sa lahat makakasakit lang ako. Ilan lng yan sa mga rasong naiisip ko pagdating sa “heart matters”. Kahit na minsan, di ko pinasok ang ”larangang” yan. Maski ngayon, masasabi ko pa ring hindi ako handa sa kahit na anong relasyon, ika nga nila “I have problems with commitment” na sa katunayan ay totoo naman. Mapa.grupo mn or usapan, nahihirapan akong “mag-commit”.

I grew up believing that love takes time. I grew up thinking that love can wait and love will find you no matter what, where, when. I believed that getting to know each other needs time and no love can happen in a snap. I believe that if someone is already in your heart, no one can create a space inside at the same time. I believe that cheesy lines and actions are not corny but very romantic. I thought it would really be sweet if I receive chocolates and flowers.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite in the eyes of other people but I found myself breaking my own rules. Who would have thought that one stare can create sparks inside? Who would’ve thought that a week can create a tsunami of unreasonable feelings? I even realized that I really hate cheesy lines and actions and thought of them as superficial, childish and dumb moves. I also realized how I hate chocolates and found no sense from flowers. Who would’ve thought that I can invest feelings in a short span of time?

Kung tutuusin, dapat nagsasawa na ako ngayon. Dapat umiiwas na ako at binubuhos yung atensyon ko sa mas importanteng bagay. Yun naman talaga ang trend eh. Dapat nakaharap na ako sa libro at nagbabasa. Dapat sana hindi ako naguguluhan sa kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. Ilang araw pa nga lang pero ba’t ganito?

Before everything happened, I prepared myself for something like this since this is college but I never expected it to be this early. This was supposed to be okay. He was supposed to be perfect but time is my enemy and it lingers to give me doubts and uneasiness. Who falls in love within a week?

I admit that I really have something for him but not love, maybe attraction but it’s not love. He might have confessed but I’m still on the verge of questioning what the hell is happening and why so fast! I can’t explain the “pull” but it’s certainly different compared to my pasts. He was not my dream guy but I found myself looking forward. We’re totally opposite but it seems to be a bonus point.

It’s too early to say or act or care but I want to see how this goes. It’s really not normal for me to indulge in this but I find time and so far, it’s not what I thought it should be. Maybe I’m too naive for this because I lack enough experience and background. This was not my forte and I’m facing a battle with no armor and shield. I already set my goals and so far I have my priorities. I still excel in school and balance my social time with my personal one and that’s the most important thing. But a girl can be inspired right?

Can you blame me?

I’ve exposed myself in pain and suffering, victory and heaven, risks and sacrifices and deadly decisions and consequences. I was born many times and each was a unique era, either same or completely different from what we have now. I also died countless of times already but each death was in peace. Through the words engraved in every page, I’m revived once more.

Can you blame me? I take the life of someone but I’m no grim reaper. I envy their riches and gold but I’m no poor. I long for a velvety caress and a demanding kiss but I’m no widow. I create my own life and world through pages of books but I’m not crazy.

Can you blame me? To live in this world, to face the harsh reality and to deal with painful consequences are enough to drive someone off to the cliff and jump. The complexity but at the same time practicality of our time is very different from a century ago. Problems and hardships give no mercy to helpless people, it’s either they succeed or die trepidated. It’s hard to compete in the race of our society towards an arbitrary point which is actually an indistinguishable goal.

From all the negatives of our society and time, can you blame me to live a life that’s not mine? Can you blame me to create a whole new world of fantasies? Can you blame me to wish for the impossible? Can you blame me to break the rules?

Through stories, I can be someone else maybe a doctor, a child, a CEO, a rich socialite- anything my heart’s desire. Through stories, I fly to places I never thought I could reach, either on top of the Eiffel or below the pyramids. Through stories, love feels nostalgic and real. Through stories, life can have a happy ending.

Can you blame me? Why would I choose a life of poverty and abuse when I can make my own version of seventh heaven and cloud nine? Why would I fit into a society of crabs when I can be the queen of my own land? Why would I dry up all my tears from broken heart when I can be loved ‘til death do us part? Why would I indulge in the harsh reality when I can control my little piece of sanctuary?

Six Weeks

It’s been six weeks since i saw green tricycles on the streets. It’s been six weeks since i saw my grandmother. It’s been six weeks since I saw the towering palm trees along the wide roads.

Six weeks of waking up to a shabby room, and half of it, alone. Six weeks of longing for the genuine voices of my mom, dad and sister. Six weeks of independence and boundless freedom and possibilities. Six weeks of unshed tears waiting for home.

It’s been a long time since I saw my friends and family. Being miles away from each other, it hurts to think how i really miss them. I hold back tears when I hear their voices. I feel horrible when all music feels so nostalgic.

It’s a short span of time but really feels like ages. I hate the way I count down every hour of everyday and every day of every week, marking down the day I’ll ride that plane. I envy my friends when they pack up their bags and head home. When I see buses pass by, I always say to myself “makakauwi rin ako”.

I know the consequences of my choice, the choice to stay here, to study and learn here. I know the possible outcomes. I’ve prepared myself for anything that comes in my way but a person can get tired right? But no matter, inspiration and hope are the ones that keep me going. I might stumble on my feet, land on my face and trampled by people, I chose this.

I can always come back but no one will learn if they’re tied to their feet.

I may be lonely from time to time but as i look back, it’s already been six weeks of fun and learning. It’s been six weeks of growing friendships. Six weeks of laughs and meaningful smiles. Six weeks of locking myself in the library. Six weeks of walking and running to classes. Six weeks of chemical experimentations. Six weeks of brutal equations.  Six weeks of standing on my own two feet with no one to hold me back.

I’ve been here for six weeks and change is inevitable. I’ve grown to be more independent and confident. I’ve changed not just in the language I spoke but now I can also emotionally cope up with the foreign environment. I’ve learned to accept that there will always be better than you but it should not hold you back to achieve the best that you can have. UPLB changed me but I hope for the better.

Six weeks ago, I started my life, my own life, and I plan to live it here. Six weeks down, twelve more to go 🙂

Grazie Mille

We got here not by serendipity, not even by chance, not by choice and never by accident. All of these are products of hard work, skills, will and God’s blessing. We are maybe facing a lot of problems in achieving the highest honor anyone of our kind (journalist) can get, God still lends His hand to push us through. Whatever is the result, whatever is the verdict, all of us know our capabilities. We already made it this far and it’s enough proof of our excellence.

To be a first-timer in this field and getting an opportunity to battle in the nationals, it’s already a victory. I may not win that medal but I know God has His reasons. To be armed and ready with all the knowledge our coach imparted to us, I feel like I can beat them all.

To Sir Gucci, we may have left the doors of our alma mater but you are one of the reasons I will look back to my precious 4 years in high school. A selfless and excellent coach like you, it’s a great honor to be your apprentice. I know you are already proud of us but I will promise you this, I will do my very best and I will never let you down. Even if i don’t win all i want you to know is that in every contest, at the end of the day there will be no regrets and I believe that will be enough.

Grazie. Merci. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND WE LOVE YOU !!

Ink for Blood

Ink for Blood
By: Kristine Iannah Lawas
The Mover

A warrior by heart, through words I shall fight. 

I’ve been trepidated, not by tyrants but with my own society. I’ve fought, not with invaders but with injustice and accusations. I’ve been threatened not with a gun but with words. I’ve been captured, not overseas but within my land.

How shall I fight? I believe that a bullet is never the answer. Too much blood had been wasted for eons. A newborn can neither fight nor surrender for death will be on both sides. I must do something. I must do it now.

Letter by letter. Word by word. Line by line. I am what I have. My voice is all I want for them to hear. I’m tired of being silent, motionless and powerless. Blinded from truth and overwhelmed by lies.

I’ve been powered not by praises but with thoughts. Ideas are rushing in, revolutionizing a free and peaceful world in my own mind.

Pens for swords. Ink for blood. I live for a story. Not just any other story. A story of hope, power, intrigue, love, failure and triumph. A story about me, about you and everyone of us.

This is a new era. Words are weapons. Truth is the shield you must never underestimate. Many died but left behind a legacy of power. It affected lives of billion people of the past, present and probably in the near future. Put them together and you may never know its stupendous effect.

But to be this warrior, courage is a must. To be a coward is to be a wounded soldier. Overpowered by fear instead of will, you better retreat. Knowledge and courage are your only weapons in the battlefield and fear is a chain tied to your feet.

I am a writer. I am a warrior

published here: http://themovertagumcitynhs.mypressonline.com/feature2.htm